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02 May 2007 @ 05:35 pm
So, yes.  I met this German guy, Tobias, in  my German church this past Sunday and we chatted for a while and exchanged contact information.  I was SUPER-intrigued, because here I am thinking that I'm attracted to girls - and all of a sudden, surprise!  I feel attracted to this man!

We saw each other last night - sat out by a canal and drank wine, talked for hours.  Went back to his place and had tea and chocolate and chatted some more.  Before we knew it, it was 3 a.m..  I had had a really fantastic time - he's a great guy (uhmmm although...he is 35...).  He lives in sort of a bad part of town to be walking through alone at night, so he was like, "You can stay here."  I said no, initially, because my gut feeling was THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA - SARAH, YOU KNOW YOURSELF, YOUR ADDICTION, YOUR BAD HISTORY ABOUT SLEEPING IN BEDS WITH PEOPLE.  JUST GO HOME.  But so I was looking up directions on the map and then decided, well, why not just stay.  so I did.  ((((BAD IDEA))))  It pretty much, for me, ruined the wonderful time we had together before because we, although fully clothed, ended up doing WAY TOO MUCH.  SO and I'm like, well, shit.  WTF.  I have PROBLEMS here.  I don't know what I was thinking. 

Sigh. so.  I got myself into a stupid situation.  I recognize that.  I'm upset at myself for not having listened to my conscience/gut feeling in the first place.  I even told him that, and about my addiction.  And about being afraid of using him as a way to contribute to the addiction.  He said he was a little worried himself of taking advantage of ME and was surprised that I was feeling the same way.

But now I really regret what we did together physically - before AND after this conversation.  In a way, I feel less attracted to him.

But now we've had sex and things close to it - fully clothed, but, yes, it's possible.  I let things  move WAY too fast.  Something that could have been a normal relationship - he's got so many great qualities - all of a sudden gets complicated by sex.

He's nice, funny, a photographer, we have a lot of the same interests...it was so fun to talk to him.  And then all of a sudden there's this great forced intimacy due to the fact of sleeping in the same bed.  And where I would (theoretically) be slower-moving (although I have NEVER been slow-moving in ANY of my relationships)...it's like we skipped a step or 50.

I feel like... I really should be sober, abstinent from sex/relationships/dating/everything like that during this time -- however long it takes for me to start healing...

I JUST started going to SLAA meetings 2 days before I met Tobias. 
And though I've been "sober" for (only) three days from pornography and masturbation, acting out with Tobias...is worse because it's a physical person I am in real contact with.

So.  Now the question is...is it worth the fight of temptation to fall back into sexual behavior, acting out - just to keep the relationship (however...with this great guy) ?  I feel like dropping it all, though, risks looking like I used him and it'll be a one-night stand.

I called Diane, from SLAA, to tell her about it and get some support.  She was really honest and straightforward with me, and had some good insight on the situation.  She offered advice about withdrawal - and reminded me about being sober and how that I need to try not to see it as "I'm young, I should be able to do what I want" but that I should be grateful that I'm realizing these patterns now and trying to work on them now - which can save me a lot of heartache in the future.  Also, she recommended trying to go to a group or reading some of the SLAA literature for help with withdrawal and everything. 

And that I need to try to examine my motives behind WHY I did what I did last night.
I'm thinking I did that for several reasons which I haven't smoothed out yet really, but...at the basis, being lonely and wanting to be "normal" (man-woman instead of woman-woman) and getting a quick emotional connection through physical intimacy.   ...still gotta work on that one, though.  Looks like I have some things to figure out.

I want to keep seeing Tobias, though.  But is it TOO LATE ?  Since we've already had sex, essentially - it'll be so easy to restart, right ? 
Rachel told me, "There should be some definite boundaries goin' up if you do [decide to see him again]."  She asked, "Well, do you feel like since that happened, based on your past...you can be around him and not give in to that since its not like the "unknown" anymore?  ....Especially because you were attracted to him, he's older, and you have a lot of same interests, you don't want him to think that you did just use him.....or ask yourself this, like, do you really want this relationship?  Is it worth really fighting over?  because it will take alot to fight for it and not give in sexually."

So...now Tobias...I don't know what to do.  I could've said stop at any time - but I just couldn't.  (And kinda didn't see the point in it, since we were already doing sexual things).  But...it probably would have made me hate myself less.  Like in a way I felt...used somehow, because of my own decisions.  I hope I wasn't LOOKING for something like that - the used feeling.  At the same time, I felt like I was using him. 

skatergurl6 0:  sarah...will you forgive me? i just love you so much, and i feel like ive let you down in our friendship. i dont pray for you enough and encourage you enough....and i am so broken when you are broken and feel like youve hit bottom. and that just came over me and i started to cry...so i just want to say that im srry, i guess thats all i can say.
shinybluesweater: ohhh, Rachael...I don't think there is anything to forgive.  so don't worry.  I love you, and that you empathize with me in my pain is such an incredible concept for me and shows me a level of friendship that is hard to come by sometimes.  you've always been supportive of me
shinybluesweater: and we've been busy these past few weeks.  and I understand that.
skatergurl6 0:  well i appreciate you..and just know that i love talking to you, even if im bad at iniatiing it sometimes
shinybluesweater:  that you love talking to me perplexes me
shinybluesweater: I...feel like all I do when I talk to you is make you cry for me
shinybluesweater: lol.
shinybluesweater: that I'm always talking about something very heavy
shinybluesweater: crap.  I have to go back to my room and test the internet.
skatergurl6 0:  no, dont ever feel bad for talking to me about real stuff...i cherish real conversations!
skatergurl6 0:  even if they are heavy
skatergurl6 0:  and i cry not bc i feel bad or pity you...but bc i love you, and i just want to hug you and make it all bettter but i cant...you are so strong, and not one to be pittied.
shinybluesweater: well, that makes me feel good.  I'm just sorry that the real conversations are generally disturbing